My Pregnant Christmas List

Dear Santa,

Let's get straight to the point.

I can't see my toes. I haven't shaved my legs in weeks. (Okay- months.)

My hormones are freakin' out of control. 

Let's skip the robe and jewelry this year. I have some REAL needs.

1. I'm going to need some self-tying shoes. None of that velcro stuff. Use your magic and create something that magically ties. Because I.CAN'T.REACH.MY.FEET!

2. Pillows. Good pillows. One for each elbow. 3 for my head. 2 for between my legs. And maybe 5 extra that can be repositioned each time I get up to go pee.

3. Maybe your elves could create some prenatal vitamins that don't make my burps smell like a fish hatchery?

4. Glittery unicorn poop and fairy dust that actually keeps my belly from itching all the time.

5. #GetThisBabyOffMyBladder


6. A magical bubble that keeps all people from randomly touching my belly. (Seriously- stop it.)

7. Hemorrhoid cream that doesn't smell like hemorrhoid cream. (TMI?)

8. One of those 'Life Alert' buttons that sends out an SOS for whatever food item currently sounds appealing.

9. How about you send an elf over to make some space between mini-me and my ribs?

10. Could that elf also bring a little pill that allows me to sleep like my husband for just one night?

11. Jingle bells, Batman Smells... This heartburn is so bad. (Leave that milk for me, Santa.)

12. Minus the hormones, I’ve been a good girl. I'd be ecstatic to receive some maternity clothing that fits all parts of this current body of mine and actually looks ATTRACTIVE.\

But most of all, Santa- I want this little one safely in my arms. Despite the morning sickness, body aches, weird cravings, sleeplessness, poor bladder control, constipation, stretch marks...

It's all so incredibly worth it.